Not Good Enough

Ok i am writing this so that if anyone else is feeling this way they know they aren't alone and if i look crazy well then so be it.   How many of us feel like we aren't good enough? Well i am having a day like that. I feel like im just as fat as i was, that no one who doesn't know me all they see is a fat person not that i am on this great journey with a happy ending. Then I ask why do I care what people i don't know think of me? Why can't i ever think they are thinking I look nice? Or her life looks so good? Why do i always assume people think the worst of me? I have always felt like the last kid getting picked for dodge ball even if I wasn't. 

Now what started all this glum stuff, is i was trying to find clothes to wear to a birthday party and none of my clothes fit me right and not cause they are to big.  I have yet to need to buy new clothes, how can a person lose more then 100 pounds and not need new clothes i am still shopping out of my own closet, this is driving me crazy.

 Then there are the people who want to say surgery is the easy way out. There is nothing easy about surgery, it might be a little quicker way to lose the weight but its far from the easy way out. Lets start with the fact you have your insides rerouted then you have to heal. Next you totally have to relearn your body and how if functions and you may never get it quiet right. Then you can't turn to your use to be best friend ever again. There is a huge emotional component to this thing then just dieting would. O and your stomach isn't the only thing thats different. 

 So i guess what i am saying is right now i am not feeling good enough, I have days like that and have to talk to myself a lot and remind myself of course i am if i wasn't i wouldn't have started this journey to begin with.

Well happy life changing every one. 

 

Deals and other stuff

Sorry so long since i posted a blog but since most of my blog readers are also on my fb page most of you probably haven't missed a thing.

So i wanted to share a few deals i found recently.

Now for anyone who has had weight loss surgery or drink protein shakes on a regular basis this is one hell of a deal. A buck for these great tasting protein packed drink you can't beat that when i found this deal i got 22 of them and i would have gotten more but my toddler was done lol. O i found these at big lots i probably should tell you that.

Now these little gems i got at sharp shopper. they were a buck, Have i told you all how much i love sharp shopper.  So you add a protein to this and you have a great meal. I put three pieces of turkey bacon in mine. So if i eat the whole box which i probably can't in one setting but def in two. I will have 275 calories and 14 calories not to bad.

I couldn't remember if i told you guys about these or not but they are another great find from big lots. A dollar a bag, 130 calories a serving and 10 g of protein what a great little snack, now some of you will look at that serving size and be like o no, well trust me a 1/4 of a cup is plenty enough to get your snack fix.

Now as for me and my weight loss currently i am up to 99 lbs down all together i am praying soon it will be 100 and i can then share the pictures with you all.  I hope you are all doing well in your journeys and finding the path that is right for you.

Happy life changing everyone until i type again bye 

Free

So i am not sure what happened between yesterday and today but i feel free. Free to be myself, free to lose weight at whatever pace i lose it, Free to go to the gym and look a fool if i want to, Free to look in a full length mirror and be proud of the work i have done, Free to appreciate what i have and what i am working so hard to accomplish, And free to make a mistake and over come it.   Yes i am that girl you will see driving down the road singing at the top of her lungs and dancing with my babies in the car, yes i am the girl at the gym who works out to her music i walk and run and bike and dance while i do it sometimes, Yes i have finally become that girl who truly loves herself even at over 300lbs because i am worth it. I am worth all of my own love and all of my own affection. I am worth all the effort i am putting in to lose the weight to better myself and become the me i in-vision i am. I am also free and worth telling the devil to back the fuck off. Sorry for my language but im pretty sure thats why i am feeling so good today. I made a deceleration in my own life yesterday that my faith is stronger then the devil and he needs to get the hell away from me.
  So from now on i will show myself love, I will see my body for the greatness it is, My body made four beautiful children, it has nursed them and lifted them and loved them and now its time for me to love it. I also for the first time this morning wasn't ashamed when i looked in those huge mirrors at the gym and saw myself for what i really am. I see a woman who is strong, fierce, sassy, lovely, caring, loving, friendly,beautiful, pretty, God fearing, hard working, dedicated, motherly, and well rounded. So yes i may not walking into that gym and be the smallest, or the fastest, or the prettiest, but I will walk in there with my head held high i know what i am doing i know what im going after and i know I WILL DO IT!

So these are the flowers i bought myself today, cause i no longer need anyone else to affirm love for me, I can love myself and its ok to show myself appriecation. 

This was me at the gym getting off the elliptical if i had known my face would change three more shades before i started to cool down i would have taken that picture but i worked my ass off this morning even if it wasn't that long it is def a start.

This is my pounds that i already kicked to the curb jar, as of today i am down a total of 87lbs and 31 of those are from since i had surgery jan 27th 2014. 

And this is the seal the deal picture, are you willing to kick your own ass, and this could mean something as simple as walking across the house an extra time a day and working your way up but everyone has to start somewhere. 

So God bless you all hope your doing well in your life changes how ever you are going about them. 

Happy life changing everyone.

A day in my food.

So alot of people want to know what i am eating since surgery so i am going to share with you what i had yesterday.


Breakfast

Now this doesn't have as many protiens in it as what i usually have but this was gotten on the run, so its great that there are options out there if you forget or get stuck out and need something in a pinch.

Lunch and snack so i had this twice yesterday

Now i didn't eat the whole thing of hummus i dipped my cheese stick in it and ate it that way. Also may i add i paid a whole 1.19 for that hummus at sharp shopper love it.

Dinner

Now if you can't tell what that is, its a dippy egg on some avacados yummy.

evening snack

I know you can't tell what that is lol its about 1 1/2 table spoons of peanut butter and 1/2 a tablespoon of jam. which i ended up eating about 3/4 of it but this gives me that peanut butter and jelly sandwhich feel without the bread its great for me. and if i can remember to get pb2 the next time i go to the store it would cut the calories for this by 140 so i need to remember to get that although right now calories aren't an issue.

I also had all my water intake for the day so yesterday was a great day.

Thats all for now i hope you all are doing great with your life changes and as always feel free to comment, ask questions and share with your friends. 

Happy life changing everyone.

Scary

So in the interest of being totally honest with my readers i feel i need to tell you about this little thing that has happened.  So i developed a thing called a seroma. Which they do warn you about in class however mine was nothing like i had imagined a seroma actually was.  Let me give you the definition of a seroma.

Medical Dictionary

seroma  se·ro·ma (sĭ-rō'mə) 
n. 
 A mass or swelling caused by the localized accumulation of serum within 
a tissue or organ.

So you would think there would be something swollen somewhere that
 might be sore and the 

fluid would be maybe clearish well this isn't what i got.  Where they took my
port out apparently 

a lot of old blood collected there causing a seroma. So the fluid from the
 seroma and the old blood

finally built up and had to come out. So sunday night after the snow and home
with no other adults it

starts flowing out and i freaked out. the volume of stuff alone coming out was
 scary however

with that said color of the stuff coming out makes a big difference. Now first let me
say if you ever 

have stuff coming out of you and you don't know what it is call your doctor,
don't just assume your

fine and it can wait cause it might not be able to. The color of the stuff coming out was
 very dark red

like dark enough i didn't know it was old blood at first. So i called my best friend
 who also happens to

be my doctors nurse. Who calmed me down reassured me I was fine told me
what was happening

and i started to calm down however. I couldn't sleep that night scared but
i did feel better once i saw

the doctors the next day. SO I just wanted to share so anyone that might have
 this happen to them

will not be as shocked and scared as i was.

I hope everyone is doing well with there life changes.

As always feel free to comment, ask questions, and share my blog

Happy life changing everyone.

surgery this far

OK those were the video blogs i posted on my fb community page https://www.facebook.com/myjourneytolosing250pounds the day of surgery and the following day. I wanted to talk to everyone about how im feeling now. So its all done and my emotions are a little all over the place. The reason i am blogging about this is because i was pretty sure i would have total control over the emotional part of it and i don't totally and that actually is pretty normal. They warn you about all of that ahead of time but there is a part of you that is totally, thats not gonna be me i got this. Then it happens and yes i have control of it but i am still feeling things im not sure i expected to feel. Now first of all i have almost no pain, im not sure how normal that is but for me no pain, i have discomfort at times and spots that are tender but no pain. I think for me that has actually messed with my head more cause i am not at all physically feeling the way i expected to. So for me im waiting for something to happen but praying it doesn't. I have also been able to get in all my vitamins and liquids in which i didn't expect either not so soon anyway. Right now i am feeling like an extreme text book perfect case and im praying it stays that way but know there could still be complications. Now for the emotional part I am feeling vulnerable which i think we all know fat people try to avoid thats why we get fat and stay that way. I am going with the flow and know this will pass and i can deal but i want you all to know how im feeling so if your going threw this too or going to go threw this you know its normal. 

Now for my consumption i am having 4 premade protein shakes a day and then however much water i can get in. I can not however have water first thing in the morning it doesn't go down well. O just to prewarn anyone it is normal to gain weight after surgery so if this happens to you don't freak out it goes away i promise i was up five pounds when i got home from surgery and the next day i was back to where i was the morning of surgery so don't freak out if this happens to you.

So thats about it for my life change this far. As always feel free to ask questions, share my page, or make comments.

Happy life changing everyone

Snow days

So being snowed in is not helping the diet at all. When we get snowed in its usually a smorgasbord of food. Soup gets made big sandwiches to go with the soup. Nice warm food to fill the belly and warm a person up. Here i sit hungry longing for normalcy. I know once the surgery happens this will not be so bad cause my belly will not be hungry. But for today i am hungry and will remain that way because i know in the long run this is what i need to do it does however make for a long long week.

Thats about all my friends as always feel free to share, comment, or ask questions

Happy live changing everyone

Honesty

Ok in the interest of being completely forth coming and sharing my experience so others can get a feeling for what to expect i need to be honest. So in the beginning of this liquid diet thing i was having a really hard time and the hunger was so bad i was in physical pain. So i ate and I shouldn't have given in but i did. I was gonna just not talk about it and act like everything was all rainbows and sunshine but what good would that do you all if i just kept it to myself or myself really. So today is day three of full no eating and just the liquid diet and im doing ok now. I have some suggestions if you have to do this before your surgery. One if you have a mandated special shake to drink like i do don't have it the first shake of the day. At least for me its to vitaminy and it messing with my stomach so i have a regular shake for breakfast and that seems to have helped. Two I have one greek yogurt a day with a very low calorie shake. I found shakes at walmart that are only 100 calories. So with this shake and a yogurt i am still in the guide lines for one shake and it is helping alot. Lastly i have a optifast soup as my last meal. It is warm and seems to help the hunger threw the night. For those who don't know i work night shift which is munchy time so the soup seems to help me with that. Also a shit ton of water this does two things it keeps you hydrated and it gets you peeing all the bad stuff out of your body and sugar free gum it does help alot. Its harder for me cause i have tmj so the gum hurts my jaw but it is def helpful. So i just wanted you all to know where i was mentally with this whole thing. I just want to say if you have a moment like i did hiding it isn't the answer you are then just fat shaming yourself, not holding yourself accountable, and not dealing with the issues. All of which you have to do to be successful in your weight loss journey no matter which route you are taking to get there.

Ok well that is all for now and i hope you all feel free to comment ask questions or share my blog. Todays blog was really hard for me to write and share i really want to be the strong person all the time and be the example well the truth is no one is perfect and we all need help sometimes dont be afraid to ask or share with a close friend that can help you through your moments if you have them.

Happy life changing everyone.

liquid diet

So i am on day two of the mandated liquid diet. So far so good, if you have to do one of these sugar free gum is your friend and lots of water. Today was also day one of a certain shake i have to drink once a day and the start of my vitamins which includes a chewable which i am not liking but you gotta do what you gotta do. I think its easier when your prepared to do this and know its only temporary.  You also need to find stuff to keep you busy and distracted, I am so excited to see what the future holds i go tomorrow for the pre-op class and the pre admission testing at the hospital all that will take all day. Then the following week i have another class thing and appointment with the doc then on the 27th the big day happens. I admitting feel like im running out of stuff to talk about but once the big day happens im sure that will pick up again.


Well happy life changing everyone.

head games

Ok so i am writing this post to help you all and to be honest with everyone about how it feels to go threw the process. So i have had a very difficult time getting back on plan cause my head and body are playing tricks on me. I know i should be on plan but for some reason i keep telling myself well come saturday you have no choice. You are gonna have surgery then you really will not have a choice then. I know logically the foods im craving i will be able to taste again some day for the most part in moderation except my sushi i don't know that i will ever be able to eat that again but i am getting off track. I just want you all to know that i think what i am going threw is totally normal and a fight you have to fight with yourself. I have been trying to keep the off my 800 calorie plan at least in check. I refuse to have liquid calories unless its replacing a meal. i have tried to keep the craving to a one bad thing a day. and not to gorge myself on the said thing. I want to taste it but it doesn't mean i have to over taste it. Any weight loss journey is a fight with yourself i think time lines makes that worse. So i suggest if your just on a weight loss journey and its not surgery don't give yourself time lines. Do what you need to do to get to healthy but don't give yourself a time table to meet that cause if you don't meet it then you have the disappointment and you fight with yourself about that and a possible end your journey talk with yourself so don't do that. Remember it doesn't matter who cares about your weight loss it only matters that you care and go from there. I am getting myself back on track and by saturday will be on my full liquid diet for my surgery. I have a class on monday and pre admit testing at the hospital thats gonna take most of my day but im totally excited and its one step closer to the big day.

Well as always feel free to share my blog, comment or ask questions i want to hear from you guys.

Happy life changing everyone.

reflection

So as it is the beginning of the year and im about to do a major life change i have been reflecting on my life over the last year and the couple more before that, when i realized that i am having my surgery the same week that two years ago my husband left me. So in reflecting on that, two years ago i thought my life was over and couldn't see how it could be better. and here i am two years later with much more personal growth then i probably had during the last five years of that marriage. During marriage especially in the beginning you grow alot your learning about another person and how to handle yourself as a pair not just one single person. You have children and that changes that relationship so in the beginning there is lots of personal growth but toward the end we both stopped grow together and grew apart. After my marriage ended at first i couldn't see anything but what had happened. Now two years out i have grown so much. I am emotionally independent again, love where my life is headed and where it sits right now. Excited at what the future holds which two years that just terrified me. I know now what i want in a relationship and what i deserve. Back then i don't really think i knew that i just knew i meant my vows and didn't want my marriage to end. So where i never wanted this to happen i do think i am better for it. I know i wouldn't be where i am right now if it hadnt happened. I wouldn't know that i deserve to get what i give relationship wise. I wouldn't have begun this weight loss journey or at least not in this way which would have changed the personal reflection on it and i might not have taken the journey so much to heart and it would have been a should do cause its what everyone else wanted kind of thing.  how ironic is it that two years ago my life would change forever and here i am again changing it forever but in a totally different way. That a surgery i tried desperately hard to have by the end of october isn't happening now till the two year anniversery of the death of my marriage. Maybe its a sign that i am doing what i should be and that i tried my best to hold that marriage together and i couldn't and maybe i couldn't for a reason when two people stop growing together and stop working together things have to change one way or another. I didn't walk away from that marriage but i know in my heart of hearts i did everything i could to keep it together. and maybe now its just a sign from God that its ok to move on, not to feel guilty for it ending and to rejoice in the growth process.  I am so excited for the next stage in my life even tho right now im having a hard time wrapping my head around it but i know that will happen soon. Everyone else seems excited for me also so im hoping that support keeps coming. I do really have a great  family and a great core group of friends.


I guess thats about it for now. hope you all are having a great beginning of the year
as always feel free to comment, ask questions, and share my blog

Happy life changing everyone

Approved

I am so excited i got a call on tuesday that the insurance company approved my surgery which was totally awesome. And today i set my dates. My surgery will be jan the 27th i could have had it on the 13th but with family issues it has to wait a little bit. I can't wait to get this done and behind me. The pain is gonna suck but it will be so worth it. I can't wait to share all the progress with all of you and let everyone know how it feels step by step so if any of my readers are thinking about taking this path they know what they are getting into. Well thats about all for now i just had to share with you all.


Happy life changing everyone