feelings

Ok so as im learning today when your going threw a transformation like this your gonna feel things you haven't felt before. OK so anyone who has had an addiction should know you usually have one to keep you from feeling something. Or you feel things but your addiction dulls it so you aren't really getting the full effect of the feeling your feeling. Ok so i was feeling skinny today so i decided to step on the scale early first off this is a bad idea. I am up 5 lbs however i know this is just water cause i have done nothing to gain actual weight. I have been on target with my calories and even on my high calorie day i was healthy about it so i know logically its just water or cause im on my monthly which always screws up the scale. So anyway even tho i knew this in my head i couldn't help but feel defeated. SO what do i do i throw a pity party for myself text my best friend in the world who tells me pretty much get over it. its just another hurdle in my journey and just to keep moving forward. Which i also knew i told her im not gonna eat my way out of it. Which is a fight you have to fight with yourself when you have a food addiction. You first tell yourself whats the point. Whats the point in watching everything you put in your mouth if the weight will not come off anyway. Well the point is it will come off but you have battles to fight and getting over this hurdle and not letting it defeat you is the lesson  you have to learn. You also have to learn to deal with your moment. Feel your feelings and have your own damn pity party if you need to but don't turn to your old buddies food and smokes to not feel the feelings. Which is exactly what i didn't do i turned to my best friend who i knew would know what to say to me even if its not what i wanted to hear. You have to feel again and i have stuffed my feelings for so long it takes an adjustment period for sure but don't be afraid of them. Know the overwhelming feeling will subside just give it some time and it will pass. Don't let your addict self convenience the part of you that wants to change that it isn't worth it. It is totally worth it. So yes i might not be able to have my surgery as soon as i would like to have it but I will have it, when im meant to and when im ready. I know this journey will take time with or without surgery. The surgery is just a tool if i don't learn how to deal with life now before it the chances of gaining it all back after is great anyway so i will keep on my journey however long is takes. Some parts of this journey will be for life and i know that. Old habits die hard BUT THEY DO DIE,  i promise.


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